Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
