Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
