You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
