I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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