Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
