i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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