Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i love accidental penises.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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