You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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