did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
