My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
