Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
i need some magic done to my vagina
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize