Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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