i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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