the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
