I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
