I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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