i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
