So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
