I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
