Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You are a genius and a whore.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
