When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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