i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
