No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
