I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
