What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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