Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
