i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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