Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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