i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
