how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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