I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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