Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
