She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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