someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
