I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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