i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
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