Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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