I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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