for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Your cock deserves a montage
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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