Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
