she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
