you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
