I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
