woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
