Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
