Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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