his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
