Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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