I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
