sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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