She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
