Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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