He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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