I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
