who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
