i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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