it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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