dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
